Friday, February 17, 2006

Ripping off Chris, Jim, Bob, and Joe, only half of whom I know.

From the maker's of Jim's Miata, my lover's pretty long hair, and their collective webbed toes, the belated. . .

10 Great Reasons to Hate Lauren (now with 10% more smut.)

10. She is, her mother claims, a "lady of leisure"--that is, an unemployed bum. She thinks working oneself to death is overrated, and would gladly do something that only earns her juuuust enough to pay her student loans. Mostly, she's enjoying being at home cleaning, mending, and writing, writing, writing. She suspects she could publish some cheap smut for a couple of bucks if she found the right online rag. In any case, she's not currently behaving as a productive member of society, which is pleasantly selfish of her.

9. She has also written a couple of tasty poems, two of which (this one and this one especially) were published in CSU Stan's illustrious creative writing rag (but hey, it's something).

8. Her dad is deceased, so the first time you ask about her "parents" she will try to evade or correct you, and you'll feel embarassed and awkward. You won't like it.

7. She can whistle in tune, and only recently realized this was not universal (i.e., "What, you can't?" Way to go with that sensitivity). She can also raise both eyebrows, and each independently of the other, both up in the middle (puppy) and up at the outsides (arch nemesis/teacher) (to the same effect as whistling in tune).

5. She can make a fabulous approximation of steamed milk and gets good coffee beans and sticky flavored syrups (so she doesn't have to pay 5 dollars for fancy second-rate coffee beverages), as well as having the materials and the know-how to make Thai-Iced Tea and Jasmine Milk Tea Tapioca Pearl drinks (also $3.75-$5.00 a pop) at rates that come down to tiny fractions their pre-prepared costs. But, she would love to make them for you.

4. Her tomato plant survived winter and KEPT PRODUCING TOMATOES through rain, frost, and neglect, and as of February 15th had produced two new beautiful, creamy, dreamy, red, ripe baby spring Grape (supposedly cherry) Tomatoes. This is probably global warming, instead of a green thumb, but luck is maybe more hateable than skill. (She also has been on a long, savage winning streak, at cards.)

6. She recycles (despite not having curbside pickup), is learning to make fancy paper from junk mail, makes vases with beautiful flower arrangements out of used wine bottles and $3 a dozen carnations, mends/patches/creatively fixes and creates garments, and uses "environmentally responsible" (as well as a hell of a lot more comfortable) soft, washable, reusable-for-years, organic cotton menstrual products (like these, for example). And she really wants to tell you about it. Goddamn vulgar hippies.

3. She put "6" out of order. And her favorite number is 64. (Followed by 6, 4, and 36 [the square of 6] in that order.)

2. She sings in public. Sometimes loudly. And, she has a 2 and 1/2(+) octave range (almost an octave below middle C to almost 2 octaves above it), which is a little on the long side. Furthermore, she is a human jukebox--there is always a songline or song (or movie line, or quote, or. . .) and she has little willpower against the urge to express it. You wouldn't believe the number of times a few lines of "On Broadway" can be sung while wandering through Manhattan. Or "Thank You Lord for Sending Me the F-Train" while riding an F-train. Well, some of you would.

1. She is very, very, very happy with a long-haired, pretty, talented, musical, intelligent, flower-buying, strawberry tart-making sexpot of a philosopher chef, who trusts her enough to let her cut his hair. (Reemphasize luck over skill.)

And, because I love you, here are a few. . . .

Bonus reasons!!!

a) Slash. Big, tough, sweaty hockey players engaged in sordid love triangles with one another. Watson sweet on Holmes (whom he lets use him). Snape topping Neville, complete with bondage. For your sometimes illustrated literotic pleasure.

b) She won't let her lover turn the heat on. Like, ever. Or the air conditioner. So maybe it isn't good for the cat or the guitars or circulation for it to be below 50˚F inside (though 30-something outside) or above 80˚F inside (though 100-something outside), but did that stop Napolean? I ask you, does the glassware complain? Well, it probably does. But that's beside the point.

c) She suffers from shades of animism. You may suspect that your car doesn't like you, but does your flute get lonely? Does the stuffed bunny get cold, or bored of sitting on that particular surface? Does he feel neglected, leaving you feeling like a bad mother, ridden with guilt, and resolved to take him on that next big trip to the city with you? What about that skirt--doesn't it deserve to go, too? It would love San Francisco, and it hasn't had the chance to see it, yet. . . And you haven't been using that cup as often as the others, it has to have noticed by now. . . .

d) She's turning into a prison abolitionist, and she was able to cut her own hair fabulously.

e) Even though she's shivering because her feet are cold, she's not going to close the window or put on socks. Hatable dedication, right there.

Edit: P.S. Super additional reason: I lied! I put socks on after all! And I am enjoying a tasty mojito.

1 comment:

Bobo the Wandering Pallbearer said...

Screw all that; I hate your mojito!